DickensThis

Why oh why

2011-12-29T23:18:00.003-06:00

I just can't catch a break.

I'm in so much debt with ODSP and my visa because of Christmas and now I have to take Stella to the vet.

Tonight I listened to Della as she read her paper and my god it sounded so damn professional, mine will surely suck compared to hers.

Damn..

7,111

2011-12-04T12:48:00.003-06:00

Is how much I owe ODSP...

I'll never pay it off..I'll be dead before that gets paid off..

Yet, if I were an MP or an MPP I'd get away with it.

I'm the one that informed ODSP that I'd been over for several months and didn't know because I was too anxious to look at my bank account. I'm very good at denying realities until they hit me hard in the face. Once I drew the strength I had and let them know, they decided they wanted each and every penny back, no exceptions.

Yeah I can appeal, but the amount of strength it will take will surely drain me.

I'm so tired of fighting. I just wish I had the strength of that person who jumped off the QEW last week. Lucky girl, no more pain for her.

It's Amazing

2011-11-23T08:26:00.003-06:00

It is amazing how one person can make you feel so dumb. I guess I am not smart enough to be a social worker.

Sandra Preston sure makes me feel stupid.

When I'm in class I feel like a deer in the headlights. I think I'm suffering from PSTD, but I don't think my doctor has ever diagnosed as such. I'm always scared of everything. I just feel like crap all the time. Everything scared me to the hilt.

I hate feeling afraid. What happened to that feisty person I used to be. I never liked how I never listened to anyone's advice. That's because I don't trust anyone or I feel as if they are steering me in the right direction.

I'm such a colossal life failure. Nothing in my life has ever worked out. I'm a terrible mother. I don't have my driver's license. What a joke.

Sadness

2011-11-22T17:15:00.003-06:00

I'm here, but I feel invisible. I feel as if I'm supposed to be far, far away. I see the excitement and energy of my classmates and I can't share it. I'm so jealous of their youth. I shouldn't be, but I am. I wish I had the last twenty years back, but it wouldn't have mattered because it wouldn't change the trauma that was inflicted on me as a result of my childhood. The forever feeling of fear and trepidation. Nothing will change that.

I know how the first nations feels, the ones from the residential schools. They were ripped apart from their families. I never had a family to be ripped apart from, but I wished I had.

There was no sense of love in my family, only anger, resentment, fear and hostility. I felt like my parents never wanted my brother and I around. They hated their own lives and they hated us with a passion.

So it wouldn't matter if I got the last twenty years back, the damage was done a long time ago.

I don't see a happy ending

2011-11-21T21:56:00.002-06:00

I don't see a happy ending.

ODSP will think I collected living expenses while collecting ODSP and they'll charge me with fraud. Nobody will believe me. They never believe the poor.

I see myself going into a cardboard box and dying of exposure.

I see a dark, sad future ahead of me.

So why bother going on.

Today

2011-11-20T23:03:00.001-06:00

Today I didn't feel like doing myself in.

Les Miserables 25th Part 4 HD (1080p)

2011-11-20T17:31:00.000-06:00

Invisible

2011-11-18T20:28:00.003-06:00

Today, I got through the day without wanting to kill myself. I still want to, but I'm trying to hang in there.

I find I walk around almost in a daze. As if I'm invisible and I like it. I don't want to talk to anyone right now because I'm afraid of getting chastised and believe I'm doing enough chastising of myself.

I gave in to Sam's demand that we watch a movie together. It's not that I don't want to pay attention to her, it's just that I'm so depressed and I'm afraid I'll say something mean to her.

My house is a disaster zone and I have to go to work tommorow. My boss called to confirm if I was working because she said I'm usually the first one to respond when she asked if we had printed out our DRFs.

I'm here but I'm not here and I like it that way.

How I would do it

2011-11-17T21:38:00.002-06:00

If I were to end my life. I would take a Greyhound bus to Algonquin with a bottle of sleeping pills, my favourite beer Stella Artois.

I would hike through the woods and just take everything, and go to sleep under the winter sky. Such a beautiful way to go.

Well for now

2011-11-17T00:59:00.002-06:00

I don't feel like killing myself. I had to make some tough choices that will make life so difficult next semester, but it's only one semester.

Hopefully, I won't jump off a cliff in the meantime. 16 mile creek overpass looks tempting..maybe I should use it.

Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy

2011-11-16T12:19:00.000-06:00

Got through the day

2011-11-15T22:25:00.001-06:00

I got through the day without killing myself. I wrote goodbye letters. But I'm not done with them. I have so much I want to say to Samantha before I go.

I Dreamed A Dream from Glee

2011-11-15T18:58:00.000-06:00

Still here..

2011-11-15T09:45:00.002-06:00

Today I woke up and was sad that I was alive.

I cuddled on the couch with my beautiful daughter and tried to remind myself as to the purpose of my existence.

I think about all the pills I have in my basket and how much I would need to take.

Then I think about Samantha and how horrible it would be for her to lose her mother. I worry so much about her growing up with her dad who got us into this mess to begin with. If he had been a better provider and more supportive husband, I'd still be married to him.

I wanted so much more. After my childhood, I thought I deserved a better life, but it wasn't meant to be.

So I'll continue my pitiful existence for my daughter's sake. I sure and hell wouldn't bother doing it for me because I don't deserve anything good. I deserve death.

Darkness

2011-11-14T23:14:00.000-06:00

Darkness surrounds me. I wish I could surrender to it.

I would but for my daughter. I just want to surrender to the darkness and find peace at least.

(Les Miserables) 25th Anniversary - Castle On A Cloud

2011-11-14T19:35:00.000-06:00

Black hole beckons

2011-11-14T19:30:00.001-06:00

Samantha is playing Christmas carols and I feel like killing myself. The only reason I don't is I can't bear the thought she will grow up with her father.

So I go through life even though waking up every just kills me. I'd rather just go to sleep and never wake up.

Not My Fantasy, a csi fanfic - FanFiction.Net

2011-11-13T00:56:00.000-06:00

Not My Fantasy, a csi fanfic - FanFiction.Net

This is still one of my favourite fan fics..

Richard Gwyn Says It All

2011-05-03T03:29:00.002-05:00

Excellent post by Richard Gwyn

http://www.thestar.com/opinion/editorialopinion/article/984485--gwyn-the-centre-cannot-hold

DickensThis

2011-05-03T03:09:00.003-05:00

I've renamed my blog to DickensThis because as of tonight, Canada has entered a very sad phase in history.

By voting in the Conservative government, we've become a society of self-centered individuals who only care about our selves and nobody else. Who cares if my neighbour is suffering from poverty, as along as I have enough money for my SUV!

Perhaps this needed to happen. If you look at European history, most countries have gone through a period of facism and nationalism before finally become a more worthwhile social democratic country, such as Germany or the Neverthelands.

Canada has to hit rock bottom before we can be a country to be proud of again. Unfortunately for those of us who are vulnerable, it will hit us the most.

It's been said history is a good predictor of the future, and sadly we've become more like a Dickens society. We haven't yet created workhouses for those in debt-yet, but it's coming.

Harper has as much compassionate as a slug. I doubt he read Dickens, he probably would accuse it of being some communist manifesto.

Sorry Canada, you are not my country anymore. I'm Canadian in name only.

Heel You Little Black Dog

2005-08-22T00:21:00.000-05:00

The little black dog seems to be leading me instead of vice versa.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I am making reference to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Churchill suffered from Depression, and used to call it his 'little black dog'.

I suffer from Depression. Have suffered from it pretty much since I was about 17. Although I've always been a high strung person. At 17, I started to fantasize about my death. It started with a boy who broke my heart in high school. Not that I blame him, everybody goes through that at some point or another. But for some reason, I ceased caring about myself. I stopped caring how I looked, or whether or not I lived.

And so this feeling stayed with me. Now it seemed to get better at around 23, when I went on Prozac. But self-esteem issues still plagued me. I was very heavy, and the scales were going to shoot on up over the years. I got involved with a very abusive partner and I always overreacted to life's daily struggles.

I did try to get help, but couldn't. I wasn't sick enough for the professionals.

When I was 29, I went through a major angst over the prospect of turning 30. Which seems ridiculous now that 40 is not too long from now, which angst will seem even sillier when I reach, if I'm so fortunate-or unfortunate my depressed side answers-to reach 80 or 90. But the obsessed thoughts started about my life and realizing how little I've accomplished. Then my daughter was born, and I suffered from terrible post-partum depression and tried to killed myself with anti-anxiety drugs. It almost cost me my new daughter, so I went on higher doses of prozac. Which worked for a while.

Last year was the first year I finally took my depression seriously. After I lost my job at the YMCA, I went into a program at the hospital which was great and they put me on a good set of drugs which was fine until I left the program and was transferred over to a new doctor who changed my drugs.

This summer, the little black dog followed me where ever I was. My thoughts about turning 40 are negative and cruel, telling me life is over when I know there are a lot of people over 40 who don't give a crap about it, or just say it's only a number and life goes on because aging is totally out of our control. So don't let the numbers control you. Things seemed to bother me more. I don't want to socialize, and I just want to cry all the time. So its obvious my medication isn't working and I need help, I just need to convince my doctor otherwise.

Looking back now, my Depression seems to be the source of my troubles. It is has cost me quite a bit in terms of career, and marriage, and just life in general. So the dog needs to be heeled and trained. Can it be done, time will tell.

But for now, let's get the little black dog to heel.

Musings

2005-08-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Well now that I've calmed down from that photo. Phew. Sweat.

My aunt and uncle from Alberta came to visit. You know, you never find your home town very interesting until you take someone on a bus, and tell them bits and pieces of it.

For example, we went on the Oakville Transit and my aunt and uncle gawked at the beauty of Oakville. I see it everyday, but I guess from their perspective, Oakville is a beautiful town with all the big trees and beautiful homes. I just kind of gotten used to it. It's not easy living here because the transit system is not as convenient as Toronto's is. But I don't have to deal with as many nitwits as I did in Toronto and the driver's are pretty friendly. There's also the 'bus crowd', a regular crew of us who take the transit every day. More people drive their BMWs and SUVs here in Oakville then take the bus. I've made a lot of friends through the transit system.

Anways..that is my musing for today.

That photos is bloody hot.!!!! yay George..if that guy ever appeared on CSI-Las Vegas naked..the ratings would go through the roof and beyond. Wishful thinking, but you never know. George if you come across my blog - yeah and monkeys will fly out of my rear, please do it..

Musings

2005-08-08T00:20:00.000-05:00

Peter Jennings died.

I will miss him. He was a Canadian journalist who had a brilliant career in the American media.

I never really watch American news, unless it's something major like 9/11.

I prefer Canadian media , especially the CBC. I love the CBC. I like to know what is happening in other parts of this wonderful country I live in.

More on that later.

My four kittens that I am fostering from the Oakville Humane Society are so cute. Their names are Dharma, Karma, Sangara, and Samsara. All black and all naughty.

over and out